If you look.
You’ll see them.
Wearing the same.
Thinking the same.
Talking the same.
Teacher and student.
What a shame.
More of the same.
If you look.
You’ll see them.
Wearing the same.
Thinking the same.
Talking the same.
Teacher and student.
What a shame.
More of the same.
Read me your rules.
State your needs.
Battle your hatches.
Cover your weeds.
Hold your ground.
Fire your canon.
Run, rabbit run.
If you can’t accept the waves, don’t surf. If you can’t accept anger, forget Love. If you can’t accept shadow, forget Light.
Stop being afraid of rage. Get in touch with it.
In the depths of shadow.
We shine, our Light is there.
Stop telling me I’m singing out of key.
Let me scream at you for a while.
Stop sending your thoughts to my counselor. Get your own.
I’m a river, not a stone.
I’ve always loved this painting. Like Venus relaxing here, I’m also expanding, stretching myself out on the waves of the ocean. I am feeling very blessed right now. There are angels hovering around me. Some are whispering in my ear.
I chose this picture to go with my writing today as it feels as though the waves of the ocean are up underneath me, supporting me too. Yes, beautiful new energy is bubbling up from inside me and my whole being feels good.
My sensual self is awakening. Some days she is soft like water. She sends bubbles of joy to my heart. She delights and enlivens my soul. She wakes me up. She calms me down. She draws me inwards. She surprises me on her waves of wonder. Sometimes her sighs can be heard across the land. Her aliveness nourishes every cell. She may well be the forgotten key to heaven on earth.
In the past I wasn’t listening to her call.
For a long time I did not want to make love, and my whole being felt sad.
Yet my deep mystery …
She was patient.
She never gave up.
And as I listened to her and allowed her to be loved she began to blossom. For a while I turned away from sex. I became a sad flower, a sad pussy. I wanted to scratch the furniture and tear bits of fluff out of everything.
When covid arrived the world stopped. Time is a great blessing to a sweet pussy in lock down. Her true nature emerges when she has time and space for loving. There is a fine art to making love and this temple cat requires much patience. Much gentleness. I’m loving the slow spacious mornings and the long golden afternoons.
I’m enjoying the golden light of sunrise and even though we are moving into Autumn here I’m still cherishing the apricot skies and sunsets on my surfboard out in the deep water on the sea.
Perhaps it’s time for a sensual renaissance for you too?
If it’s been a while since you experienced the depth of your own pleasure …
If you feel stuck in a low grade depression or malaise ….
I know how that can feel.
No matter what your story, I have good news for you.
Your feminine essence is a divine treasure within you. You can still blossom, no matter what you have been through. Your erotic intelligence is still fully intact. She is alive and well. There is a wellspring of vitality within you no matter what your story, age or stage of life. You have a wise and powerful healer within.
Our sensual nature waits patiently for us to come close.
Birth and sexual trauma, pelvic floor damage, prolapse and unexpected outcomes of pregnancy and life itself can profoundly impact your sexual experience. I am here to support you to nurture yourself. If you’ve experienced an intimacy breakdown post birth or a dry spell since menopause I’m here to whisper in your ear.
You are not alone.
Perhaps it’s time to return to the promised land. We will find our way together. Many women turn away from sex and gradually close down their vitality in the process. I know how sad this can feel. We can dissolve the barriers to love’s presence together.
Why am I so passionate about this?
Womb health is connected to mental health. Sensual health can ground and balance a woman’s emotional nature. I offer gentle womb healing to women no matter what your age or story may be.
I love what I do.
If you know that there’s an erotic Venus living within you, perhaps it’s time for a sensual renaissance and rebirth for you too.
An ocean of bliss awaits you.
I am feeling incredibly grateful right now. I’ve just been dancing at home, alone, yet also together with a beautiful group of women from the South Island of New Zealand via zoom. Yes, dancing with a class in New Zealand from Australia. It’s quite miraculous what happened in our virtual circle this morning.
It was so good to shake off so much old stuck emotional energy. So good to shimmy my hips and empty my mind. It was pretty awesome to be able to make sounds and cry without worrying about the impact on others too. There are many blessings to this alone time.
I feel freer than ever to express myself.
Today, I could easily move off camera for a bit of a cry or a yell.
All the while I felt deeply held by the dance chief Hester. When she guided us to dance in connection with something from nature I gave my attention to the tall gum tree outside my cabin. I found my feet and I felt something new.
I felt the root system of the tree go deep into the earth.
I felt as though I was dancing inside these roots.
For the first time in many years I felt anchored into the land here.
I felt the tree as my spine, giving me more backbone.
I saw the root system under the tree like a placenta that protects a newborn.
I felt held by the roots.
After the class I went outside and gave thanks for the warm golden sunshine here in Australia today. I gave thanks for the clear blue sky and the abundance of green billowy trees around me. I am changing.
I am letting go of old ways of being.
I am safe.
I am not safe because someone loves me.
I am not safe because I’ve got a job.
I am not safe because I own things.
I am safe because I am home here in this flowing body.
I am connected to the web of life.
I am even connected to you reading this now.
I am more than my old wounds.
I am growing taller.
I can nurture the hurt child within me.
I can feed and love and protect her.
I have two feet that can walk.
I have legs that can dance.
I have hips that hold goodness.
I have lungs that breathe.
I have a heart that loves and breaks and loves.
These soft hips are home.
These feet are moving ground.
This spine is free.
These hands can heal and caress and write.
That class was the most powerful I have experienced in a very long time.
You are a gifted teacher Hester Phillips. Thanks to you I’ve found wings to fly today!
Well done on navigating an excellent class from home with your beautiful smile, your grace and your seamless guidance … all delivered with a deep reverence for each and every one of us.
I’m standing tall like a tree.
I’ve got roots and wings.
Thank you so much to Hester Phillips for a sacred and powerful gathering. Hester usually offers dance classes in Nelson, New Zealand on Sunday mornings. During this strange time of Covid 19 she offers her wonderful classes at 8:45 am Eastern Australia time (10:45 am nz time) on Sunday mornings via Zoom. You can email her at email@example.com and also find her at https://www.consciousdancenz.com/
This morning I had a totally sensual experience. As I paddled out on my surfboard I felt called to go deeper. I soon found myself being carried up and down by the rise and fall of huge mountain like waves. I lay quietly on my board, belly down, feeling like a seal inside the tight thick skin of my wet suit.
And then, it happened.
Two dolphins gently emerged up out of the water. Soon after rising, they slowly slid down under the water again.
Just a few days before I had wondered what it would be like to be out on the water with dolphins so close.
My dream came true. It was like they were gently dancing together. Perhaps it was a mother and a baby. Perhaps two adults. I don’t know, but they moved calmly and swam super close to one another.
Like a dolphin I too enjoy to roll off my board and plop into the depths of the sea. I like to see the underwater world. The allure of endless turquoise enchants me.
The sunlight in the depths brings so much joy.
How I love to just fall … forgetting all about surfing and just fall …. fall …. lightly off the board.
Sinking into the arms of the mother.
A vast mother full of mystery and beautiful colors.
Sometimes light green.
Sometimes deep blue.
The sparkles on the water refresh my soul.
Being close to dolphins.
Naturally, I am happy.
When I was a young girl aged nine I received a life changing gift. A beautiful wild Australian dog. A kelpie dingo cross that Mum got from the RSPCA. I still recall the moment I glimpsed her leaping from the back of Dad’s purple valiant. Her swift entrance into my life was unexpected. It was love at first sight. Her quick footedness, bright spirit, slim figure and gorgeous red coat put my Georgie girl in a class of her own. She became an excellent protector and companion.
In the throes of new love I also knew that one day my dog would die. I knew then, at nine, that I would not be able to hold onto these feelings of love that I felt. I knew at the beginning that an ending would come. This thought was too much for my child heart to bear. I quickly buried my realization like a bone in the backyard.
We had many years of adventures together. We were even photographed in the local paper with the headline “Everywhere that Angela goes,” with a picture of Georgie sitting on the back of my bicycle. Dogs had way more freedom in those days; none were chipped and few were ever seen on a leash. My Georgie girl howled at the moon, caught frisbees and swam in the sea. She followed me closely in the day and ran free and wild at night. She’d arrive home before dawn to rest and dream a little. I loved her free spirit and everything about her.
Slowly her back legs grew weak and sometimes she couldn’t walk. She died when I was 21, hit by a car and unable to run away fast enough with her legs so weak. When I heard the news I felt a bruise in my heart. I had distanced myself from Georgie well before her death. This pulling away was a self protective measure. I was uninitiated into the mysteries and blessings of death and had no tools for coping with the loss of my dog as a young woman. I didn’t contact my feelings in those days, in fact I avoided them like the plague.
Life brought me many opportunities to learn about the power and beauty of death, dying, change and letting go. However awful the loss may look and feel like on the surface, still, underneath I always found riches, much unexpected treasure. Uninvited deaths have brought me intense grief, but given me incredible gifts too. With loss I’ve gained empathy, insight, awareness and immense gratitude for all the ways love has danced through me … in and out of my life.
Life is not linear, it doesn’t move in a straight line like I was taught in school. Far from it. Life is circular and cyclic. I’ve had many new beginnings, achievements, experiences, adventures and then also many unwanted letting go’s, deaths and endings. Despite constant movement and change one truth remains. All our power is here now in this very precious moment.
Five years after my dog died a small baby bird fell from its nest during a windy rain storm. I’d been eagerly watching the parent birds feed the little ones for weeks from my loft where I had a good view of the daily activities of the nest. When I found the tiny featherless creature dead on the wet earth beneath the tree something inside me cracked opened. Firstly, I began to cry and soon I was sobbing. Waves of grief flowed through me. When my boyfriend came out from the cabin to see what my howls were about he was bewildered. He couldn’t make sense of the situation and assured me I was seriously over reacting. It was just a dead bird.
There’s a line in A Course in Miracles that says “you’re never upset for the reason you think.” All that parental bird work I had watched for weeks on end seemed pointless. This one dear small little bird life hadn’t made it. The sight of the lifeless creature on the ground had bypassed my thinking mind and reached further into something much more tender and deeper inside me.
Many years before a part of me had died too but I wasn’t in touch with that part. I’d been a dancer, performer and choreographer in my youth for very many years. When I was sent to boarding school at sixteen, I stopped dancing completely. For years I felt cut off at the root.
The well of grief inside me about this disconnection with a part of myself was invisible to me and immense. For years I worked hard to become someone I felt I should be (what others expected of me) rather than become myself.
I created a false self which covered over me. My real feelings underneath felt too big for me face. Throughout all this I discovered that the beauty of our spirit and inner truth cannot be destroyed by anything external. Bad choices, wrong turns, disconnections, failures, famines, breakdowns, heartbreak and even illness does not change who and what we are at our core.
Grief may seem to come ‘out of nowhere’. Yet grief doesn’t come from nowhere. It comes from inside us. In my case it came from not being able to express my artistic spirit. Like stagnant water, grief too, can become lodged within our lungs, stifling our spirit and swamping our joy. After rainfall, rivers are washed clean. So it is too with us.
Grief can open the soul in a way nothing else can.
Grief can expand us and open our capacity to let love in.
Grief can open us up to new ideas and creativity.
Grief can be meaningful, nourishing and life affirming.
Grief can be a beautiful stream that may even lead to peace, completion and reverence for Life itself.
Grief can birth gratitude.
Grief can birth grace.
Like a good wine, grief may still be waiting for us down in the cellar. That’s okay, there’s no rush to get to it. You can’t force it. One day grief may just turn up unexpectedly out of nowhere. If and when this happens, you’re not losing it. Open the bottle with gentleness.
First, we take the lid off and let it breathe. We each grieve in a way that is meaningful to us. For some it will be with nature, the earth and the sea. For others with a loved one. For some with children. For some with spirit, god or the universe directly.
When it comes to flowing feelings with ease, we can learn much from our youngest people. Babies and kids are awesome at it. I’m getting much better at it. I’m noticing that I’m slowly becoming more tender with myself when tears and other big feelings come. And as for wild dogs and other creatures they go with it and they don’t hold anything back. They know the soul soothing freedom that comes with a good howl.
Taonga is a Maori word I love so much. It means treasure.
I once read that the greatest treasure of all are people.
Traditionally Taonga were considered valuable objects, possessions such as swords, stones, knives and tools. I’m not referring to that kind of Taonga here.
I’m writing here about love, and love can really only thrive in a space of freedom. People are not possessions to be clutched onto, no, they are sacred beings.
So for me, love is Taonga.
He is not Silver, he is Gold.
My time with him was heavenly.
Before meeting Silver I walked on eggshells in relationships.Before meeting Silver I was naive. I was prey.
I was harmed in relationships.
Harmed physically, emotionally and spiritually.
I had no voice. I couldn’t speak in other relationships.
During my time with Silver, wrapped in the gentle embrace of his wings I found the courage to speak. And he very kindly and very very patiently listened.
Day by day, over five years I found safety and a place inside myself to call Home.
We set up two beautiful homes together in New Zealand (three if I include the van).
I loved every single moment, every morning, every evening meal, every blessed day that we shared.
I loved walking barefoot on the grass alongside him. I delighted in a new found land with no snakes, no bugs, no spiders, just gentle soft steps with his hand in mine.
When I put my feet on the ground in New Zealand I feel that I have come home. Like the traveling migratory birds I enjoy flying across the space of the seas. This has been my path for the last few years, much like a shorebird I have traveled great distances to be close to the people and places I love the most.
Now I feel that wherever I go, I belong.
Wherever I am, I am home.
When I met Silver I felt as though I died and went to heaven.
We met at Mana.
I went to Heaven with you my darling.
Such a HUGE change from my life before that point.
For the first time no gun pointed at my head. There was finally and for the very first time no anger, no blame, no guilt trips and no shame.
No harmful words ever passed his lips.
Only Love came through this man. Only Love came through this man to me.
Silver held a clear mirror for me. He was a safe space for me to grow into myself. He was a safe space for me to expand into.
Something broken (trust in the Sacred Masculine) was healed in his Presence, in his embrace and living each day with him.
I was loved like I have never been loved before. I was cared for. I was cherished. I was fed soul food and nurtured on so many levels.
Finally after so much hell, I was safe.
Yes, I landed in Mana, in HEAVEN!
During my time with Silver he held the space for my Spiritual side to emerge. He helped me come into contact with my healing gifts and also he supported my writing. He edited my work. I consulted him when I couldn’t hear the message in my healing work too. He backed my work and he backed my evolution fully.
He held the space for me to Birth my Truth.
There are so many gains.
He protected me from harm and I blossomed.
He even spoke the words, he even named my Beauty out loud for me, so I could hear it.
He spoke his heart, he spoke clearly to me, as he saw things. It was profound for me. He saw that I am a Dancer. I am a Dancer. I reclaimed that one fully!
He saw that I am a Writer. I am a Writer. He saw that I am a Healer. I own my capacity to heal myself and hold space for others to do the same.
He was drawn in by my Woman, supported my Warrior and held the little girl, the child in me too.
He loved me completely with every cell of his being. I am deeply and eternally grateful to this man. The opportunity for growth I have now is to let him go even more fully than I ever imagined I would ever have to do.
It’s easy to talk about letting go, but to actually see the man you love walking away from you and towards another woman is a whole other level.
I’m open to multiple points of view, to open my mind to what is happening I choose to celebrate this juncture and say Thank you, thank you, thank you!
I am so grateful for all that I experienced in his Presence and all that I learned and all that we shared together. It was awesome.
As you dive into the unknown, delight fully in the magick of the Yoniverse. You have entered this life through the loving womb of your mother, then as a man you enter the beautiful womb space of your woman and then after that the void, the mysterious space of the great Mother, through the veil, to your Death.
Dive fully in dear Silver. Dive fully into Love.
I wish you great health, hope, happiness and humor. I love you across all time, dimension and space realities. I set you free again today.
Be well Dear dear man.
Remember this always …
You are a Great Man.
An Impeccable Warrior.
Walk in Beauty Beloved.
May the road rise up to meet you.
May the wind always be at your back.
May the sun shine warm upon your face, and rains fall soft upon your fields. And, until we meet again, May God hold you in the palm of his hand.
You are Taonga.
Natural, sacred and beautiful Treasure.
Three years ago on top of a mountain in New Zealand I met eyes with my gorgeous man Silver. We met on the dance floor in the Coromandel Peninsula. This is my love story.
In December 2014 I left Australia to pursue my Midwifery career in New Zealand. I knew I could not be a part of the medicalization of women and childbirth in my homeland.
I knew that New Zealand had one of the best maternity systems in the world and had often joked during my midwifery training, saying things like
“When I finish studying midwifery, I am moving to New Zealand!”.
As a new graduate midwife I knew the time would come where I would have to leave my home to work away from home. There were very few jobs in Mullumbimby!
I had told my daughter and she was adamant she was not moving. I raised a tiger with voice, teeth and claws intact. No convincing her otherwise; I was heart achingly aware that this would mean leaving my teenage daughter behind with her father. (note – not my abusive ex)
I felt that a year away would do us both good. Her father had always said he would have her when she was a teenager. I didn’t fancy working out in the bush or in any other city in Australia.
A male friend suggested I go to New Zealand for a year.
At first I thought, “I can’t leave my daughter!” But after sitting with it for a while I knew I couldn’t leave myself where I was.
I had to go.
It was time.
Although this was difficult to do, I had to do it for me.
I had to walk on, I had to honour my soul, I had to say yes to me. As a mother it was hard to say yes to me yet the truth was that martyring myself to my child was not working.
I was worn out and I needed to heal and reclaim parts of myself.
I packed up my home and belongings and on the 1st of December 2014 I flew into Auckland airport. As soon as my feet hit New Zealand ground I felt a deep peace in my body and heart.
I felt safe.
I still feel this way.
My old friends Andy and Claire lent me their van so I could explore the Coromandel. A friend had told me about Mana Retreat and I knew there were dance classes there.
I headed alone into the soft green healing mountains. I felt vulnerable navigating this new land alone, yet exhilarated too. Bravely, one breathe at a time I ventured into the unknown. I knew I could not be the sort of midwife I wanted to be in Australia. I had to find another way to work and live.
I let go of everything to start over, little did I know that so much magic awaited me on top of that mountain.
Early one morning in the cold and mist I navigated the van through the windy mountains up to Mana Retreat in the Coromandel.
Hours later, through rain and summer fog I found myself on top of a mountain on the dance floor, my happy place, with around 20 other beautiful light filled souls.
Mana Retreat is a holy and sacred place on my soul pilgrimage.
While I danced freely around the floor a moment came that would change the course of my life, but I didn’t know it at the time. Out of nowhere he suddenly appeared, bright dark blue eyes, a man of courage, beauty and passion, wide awake. He looked straight into me. It was a moment of wonder.
In a single moment I had been penetrated by a man whose energy would soon go on to change my life. I wasn’t looking for another relationship. I wasn’t looking for a man.
I wanted to follow my calling, and it seemed the universe wanted to support me in that in mysterious ways too.
In matters of the heart I was most gravely wounded. For the two years prior I had grieved the loss of my whirlwind first marriage, which although passionate was cruel, destructive, painful and thoroughly unsustainable.
It wasn’t kind and it wasn’t safe.
I had to get out. I got a divorce.
Seeking a new path I threw myself whole heartedly into Midwifery studies. It was a rigorous journey for my spirit but I completed it.
Throughout the sad times I had a picture stuck on my desk that made me feel wonderful. It gave me hope. It was a small hand painted card by Annie Haywood, a brilliant New Zealand artist featuring a man and a woman together in a garden.
The image was one of peace and kindness.
As I studied and wrote essays I decided that I would never be abused again and that one day I would have a kind and loving relationship. As tears poured out of me like rivers I looked at that picture by Annie Haywood.
I affirmed to my heart and soul that I would never again settle for verbal, physical or psychological abuse of any kind.
I drew a line in the sand, and I dreamed of a better life.
Little did I know that I had invoked a King.
Looking back I can see that in the steaming compost of my marriage heartbreak, loss, pain and grief …. I surely planted a seed for myself.
I had no idea or concern for when it would happen. I was thick in a challenging career path with a teenage daughter to support.
I was not looking for love.
I forgot about that picture, packed up my house and got on a plane. Lo and behold my seed of hope sprung up unexpectedly in the Coromandel, a place of peace and extreme beauty. Heaven on Earth.
If we are courageous enough to face what isn’t working, what stinks, what is broken, what has failed, and what hurts like hell, from this place of dissolution and despair we can make wonderful compost and then go on to plant new seeds of hope. It’s fertile dross, grist for the mill.
Our seeds of hope will grow and sprout in divine timing. The process cannot be forced or controlled in any way.
Three years on I am softened, humbled and blessed by the presence of my divine man Silver by my side. It has in no way been easy, with my daughter in Australia and my relationship hurts… er… baggage.
Yet love has prevailed. Silver has sustained my heart, body and spirit through good times and bad.
I even left him for a year to return to my daughter and we did the dance of long distance love, flying back and forth across the Tasman.
Silver is by far the strongest, kindest, deepest and most wonderful man I have ever met.
The journey is still as mysterious and magical as it was when we first met three years ago today.
I am reborn in love.
I am softer, because he is so kind.
I am kinder, because he is so loving.
I am happier, because I am seen and truly accepted as I am.
I am more myself, because he is so patient with me.
He is my Man Angel.
This is my love story and I am truly blessed.