For years I dreamed of having another baby. I wanted to do it again.
I wanted to get birth right.
I had a dream of the perfect family, with my loving man and two children. I even got the dog, but sadly, had to give him away.
It didn’t happen. I didn’t meet the perfect man and I didn’t have my 2 kids.
I met the man I needed to meet to do the healing I needed to do. There’s no perfect man. There’s just me and who I am being and what I am creating.
You see there were things I needed to learn. I was living in fear, but not at all aware of it until the shit hit the fan. My default when things get scary is to panic, push and force. I learned this from looking at my birth story.
Our birth stories, if we dare to look, can teach us a lot.
How we birth is how we live.
Birth taught me that pushing and forcing doesn’t work. It only busts and tears. Big time.
Also I needed to learn how to channel my fire. I needed a creative outlet for my fierce energy. A lot of this was wasted on drama.
Note to former self: Darling heart… you could have been writing and dancing. You could have been swimming. You could have been playing. You could have been learning, but you weren’t ready. It’s okay beautiful angel, I forgive you. I know you’re healing now. I know you’re ready now.
Years went by and I still dreamed of having another baby and getting birth ‘right’.
Over ten years I lost 3 pregnancies. It was sad for me.
Life wanted me to grow in other ways. Actually, life wanted me to grow up. Life wanted me to get real, ground and wake up.
In the past I created unhappy drama filled relationships, not a safe place for anyone, let alone a baby.
Life was not going to support new growth, or a baby, in my toxic environment.
Toxicity goes against the laws of nature and the laws of love.
I needed to cool down. I needed to relax. I needed to find me inside all the brokeness. I needed to deal with my desperation. (note….I am still dealing with fear and desperation. I haven’t graduated. I’m getting closer to seeing how loved and supported I am. For years I isolated, living in fear and shame. I see how much life wants to support me to grow and become more myself, more real, more me.)
After so much trying and searching and looking and crashing I actually needed to break into pieces so that all that was left was the light and love in my soul. When the fat lady sings, that’s all that is left, our essence.
Today I know that my presence and my essence is enough.
I am enough.
There is nothing to find.
There is nothing to seek.
And now I want to tell you something. Something I have kept hidden. Something I have held inside me with secrecy and shame. It’s going to come flying out of me like a flying fur ball. It’s not pretty, okay, here goes. Feeling courageous. In 2005, I had two abortions I didn’t want to have. My partner at the time told me he wasn’t ready for children. (After telling me months earlier he was). We weren’t using any contraception.
I wasn’t able to do what my body and soul longed to do, bring forth new life. I knew I was not capable of being a single mother to three children. I knew I was not strong enough to do it on my own. I already had a child on my own and that was enough.
At the time I felt I had no other choice. I told my Dad, he sat and listened while I cried. He didn’t judge. He just sat there and held the space as big heavy tears dropped on my cedar coffee table where we sat. Love my Dad.
Regardless of how I felt, this decision made me crazy.
I wasn’t aware how angry I was until after it all. I was furious. Eventually it came pouring out. I lost it. One day, out of nowhere, I lashed out at my little girl, she was only 5 or 6.
The uncontrolled rage I felt inside had to come out sometime and it was an innocent child who triggered it off for me. I couldn’t believe that I had lost it at her. But I did.
I spent the next decade of my life punishing myself, blaming myself and unable to forgive myself for that moment.
I simply had to learn to manage my fire and meet the river of grief that lay underneath. I knew I needed help. And she came. Enter wonderful therapist. Ever grateful for my years in therapy. Thank you dear Dr. Felicity Grace.
I am still learning, every single day.
As the river of my life flowed onwards I became a doula and later a midwife. I learnt how to support women and men during birth. I witnessed many miracles. Here I learnt much about how birth works in the hospital system and I made peace with men and even the medical system.
Now, nearly 15 years after the birth of my daughter I have found what I was looking for all along. Fire for life. Fire with my writing. Fire for what I believe in. Fire for my work. Fire for my gifts. Fire for my calling.
And peace too. Peace with my choices. Peace with my actions. Peace with my mistakes. Peace with my past. Peace with man. (This one took me another 5 years I reckon)
Peace with my birth and peace with myself.
No more trying. No more hiding. No more shame.
All the time I was trying to get birth right, life was asking me to look inside and heal myself but I didn’t want to stop and listen.
I wasn’t ready. I created more pain for myself and more drama before I was ready. I had to fall apart and let it all be broken for a while. The milk was spilt and I needed to cry over it.
Slowly I heard what life had been asking of me all along.
Woman… Heal thyself.
My soul was darn persistent.
I gave up the fight.
I cried more.
I was held and held and slowly I healed and healed.
And finally, finally I forgave myself.
I let go.
I let it all go.
I stopped pushing.
I stopped forcing.
I stopped blaming myself.
I let go of blaming others too. (Those arseholes, I forgave them all. Each and every one.)
For this to happen I had to let go of my marriage and parenting for a while too. I had to go away. It was good.
It was very very good.
Once I decided to stop and finally take a look within and heal everything began to shift.
I let go of the struggle to have another baby and get birth right once and for all.
Healing from my first birth has helped me see how I relate to god, life energy, sexual energy, creativity, life force, whatever you want to call it.
Healing my birth has helped me heal my whole life.
I have learned from birth. I have learned from miscarriage and I have learned from abortion too. I have been turned inside out by death. I have dissolved in watery loss and grief. I am no longer ashamed. I am no longer silenced by guilt. I am sorry and I am here to shine my light, to light the way for those who need it. I have made peace with birth. I am making peace with me and with life. She waits patiently, yet she says the same thing to me, again and again, Woman, heal thyself.